THISISTHEGOODLIFE

Life is all bullshit. You’re born, you live through the bullshit, and then you die. And that’s all this world will ever be.

I feel like my life is spiraling out of control at an uncontrollable rate. Then again, if it was controllable, I wouldn’t need to be writing this.

I guess it started around October when my dad moved out. Not like that was a big surprise, I pretty much saw it coming since I was about six. But that’s just change no. 1 that made me want to die. That took away all the will I had to eat, sleep, exercise, and do anything school related. Somehow I’m passing everything but I swear I haven’t done real work since then. I started sleeping through most of my classes which is something I never did and I just started waking up miserable. “Well its a new day.. what good thing in my life is gonna be swept out from under me today?” No one should have to wake up to thoughts like that.

For a while after that I started to get better overall. My relationship with my mom got much better because I learned to appreciate the time we spent together and she learned to appreciate that I was a good kid and that she would be losing me in about two years. And then I think she started to feel like she needed to control my life more and I started to resent her for it. It wasn’t always bad, but it had been better.

Around December is when I started dating Brad and I literally thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I went to Spain for a few weeks at the end of March, right after my 17th birthday. My friends threw me a surprise party before some of them (including Brad) left on a different trip to Spain. I had everything I could ask for. Spain just confirmed that for me. I missed everyone and everything about my life back home so much that I was ten times happier when I got back.

Then of course the end of the school year made me both ridiculously happy to be done with junior year and excited for summer, but I also started to get really depressed. My favorite teacher who was more like a best friend and life teacher told me he wasn’t gonna be teaching next year. I can’t even describe how this affected me. On top of that I started getting so scared for the future. But hey, at least I still had my amazing group of friends, my mom and sister, Bradley, and my sanity.

Well none of that lasted very long.

Very recently I started getting so sick and tired of my mom’s constant bitching and complaining that I decided… “I’m seventeen now. I’m a big girl, I make my own money, have my own car, and I’m not dealing with this anymore.” And so I didn’t. I stopped keeping my mouth shut and doing what I was told just because I was told to do it. The cuts and bruises (while all pretty minor) on my arms and neck prove that my mom didn’t (or should I say doesn’t) like this new me. After a huge fight where my mom tried to choke me, all I wanted to do was talk to Brad. Not that I like venting that much, especially about my mom, but I wanted to vent to my [unofficial] boyfriend. I mean that makes as much sense as anything else in this world if you ask me. But he was too busy at a party for me.. so I did what any normal teenage girl would do and bottled it up, locked myself in my room, and cried myself to sleep about it. And I never said anything to him about it. We had a big barbeque with all of our friends the next day and maybe I wasn’t acting totally normal towards him but I definitely wasn’t bitching at him.

The next day began the biggest downfall of events I could have asked for. Brad broke up with me.. as much as unofficial girlfriends can be broken up with. So naturally I cried the whole way home because after five months he just decides in one day that he didn’t have feelings for me anymore. I didn’t win the senior class election that I undoubtedly deserved and worked for three years to get. I got in yet another fight with my mom because apparently having your heart broken and your deserved presidency stolen from you means nothing and its totally normally to just be yelled at a few hours after.

I can only think of one good thing in my life right now. That’s my friends. But I’m currently shutting them out because how else do I know how to deal with things? Plus I’m not about to ask them to chose between me and Brad, but I’m also not about to hang out with him all summer.

So I guess really there are no good things in my life right now. But things are supposed to turn up, right? I mean in the last 17 years I had a solid six months, but I’m sure things are gonna start looking better. At least that’s what I’ll say until they actually do to keep myself from the inevitable meltdown that I probably won’t recover from.

I wish I could take all the money in my bank, pack a bag and run away to California and start completely over.

And there’s another thing that can’t go right for me. I’m pretty sure the only thing that can go wrong from here is..well…. death. That’s about it.